Noah Starting to Regret Bringing Woodpeckers on the Ark

THE ARK — Two weeks into riding out the Great Flood, Noah has begun to question one of his earlier decisions: bringing woodpeckers aboard a wooden boat.

“Another hole? Are you kidding me?” Noah was heard muttering while hammering a patch into the hull. “Keep it up and I’ll toss you to the owls. Don’t test me.”

According to sources inside the ark, the trouble began not long after liftoff—er, launch. Mysterious tapping noises started echoing throughout the ship, followed by sudden leaks. “Where are all these holes coming from—and what’s with that constant hammering?” Noah reportedly asked before face-palming. “Oh, great. The woodpeckers. Genius move bringing birds designed to destroy wood onto a wooden ship. Thanks a lot, past me.”

As if that wasn’t enough, Noah soon discovered another issue: beavers.

“THAT’S THE FOUNDATION, YOU FURRY LUNATICS!” he yelled while chasing a pair of beavers away from the support beams. “And who the heck turned my kitchen table into a dam?!”

Sources say tensions aboard the ark remain high, especially with the termites scheduled to arrive next week.