Speculation is running wild over who will be the next leader of the Catholic Church—and in a move no one saw coming (or everyone did), former President Donald Trump has thrown his red hat into the ring. If elected Pontiff, Trump has huge plans for the Vatican. Here are the top 12 reforms he’s promising as the next Pope Donald I:

1. Communion Wine Replaced with Diet Coke
   “No alcohol. Never touched the stuff. Diet Coke is holier.”

2. Big Macs Now Allowed on Fridays During Lent
   “Fish is fine, but have you tried a Big Mac? You’re welcome.”

3. “YMCA” to Become an Official Church Hymn
   Say goodbye to Gregorian chants, hello to Village People at Sunday Mass.

4. Trump’s Face to Replace Adam’s on the Sistine Chapel Ceiling
   “Michelangelo was great. But let’s make the ceiling beautiful again.“

5. Orthodox Church to Be Bought Out in Hostile Takeover
   “We’re acquiring beard-face. They’ll thank me later.”

6. All Biblical References to ‘Joseph’ Changed to ‘Sleepy Joe’
   “And the angel appeared to Sleepy Joe in a dream—he was sleeping, obviously.”

7. ‘The Art of the Deal’ to Become Official Church Doctrine
   It’s basically the fifth gospel now. Inspired. Tremendous.

8. Martyrs Lose Sainthood for Being Wimps
   “Sorry, but getting martyred? Not strong. Not smart.”

9. Orange Added as a Liturgical Color for Easter and Advent
   “We’re replacing all the purple. Orange is joyful, it’s vibrant. Like me.”

10. Massive Tariffs Imposed on Purgatory
    “We’ll negotiate much better terms on purgatory time. It’ll be huge.”

11. Confessions Must Start by Naming Your Favorite Pope
    And there’s only one right answer.

12. Popemobile Replaced by the Holy Cybertruck
    “Bulletproof, electric, and American. Way better than that glass bubble.”